Wanting to Stop and Wanting to Continue at the Same Time

You may sincerely want to stop using a substance—and look forward to it with relief later that same day. You may want to stop gambling while imagining a bet that seems capable of putting everything right. These mixed feelings alone do not prove that you are lying, are “not ready enough” for help, or do not want change. They can, however, keep you involved in behaviour whose consequences are becoming more serious.

This article helps distinguish desire, fear of change, and the possibility of taking action. It is for someone who feels torn, and for a loved one trying to understand that experience. It offers no test of “genuine readiness.” Instead, it provides a way to make the inner disagreement more specific and prepare a next step.

Consider an illustrative situation. After work, someone thinks: “I need to stop drinking in the evenings. I am tired of waking up exhausted.” A few hours later, another thought appears: “Today has been especially difficult. If I take alcohol away, how will I get through the rest of the evening?” The first thought concerns health and the following morning. The second promises relief now.

One thought does not necessarily cancel the other. Understanding the situation means hearing both, then examining what actually happens and its consequences. If every wish to continue is treated as proof of insincerity, the conversation can become an argument about character. The practical question—what maintains the familiar pattern and what changing it would require—remains unanswered.

This coexistence of opposing motivations is called ambivalence. SAMHSA treats it as an ordinary part of working towards changes in substance use, rather than a fixed trait of a “resistant patient.” It describes an experience; it is not a separate diagnosis. SAMHSA, TIP 35, Chapter 3.

Acknowledging these mixed feelings does not excuse harm. You can understand someone's difficulty and still address a broken agreement, lost money, or danger to a child directly. An explanation can broaden the possibilities for action without removing responsibility.

“I do not want to stop” is often too general to work with. Try asking what it means in your circumstances. Possible answers differ: “I am afraid I will not sleep,” “I will be alone,” “I cannot imagine seeing my friends,” “Everything seems empty without it,” or “I am afraid of the severe symptoms I get when I stop.”

These are not causes everyone must have. They are examples of questions about your own situation. You do not have to choose an explanation that sounds admirable or socially acceptable. Someone afraid of losing their only social contact needs a different conversation from someone who develops pronounced physical symptoms when they stop.

You can acknowledge that substance use seems to provide something important and still decide to change it. Recognising its function does not mean that the method is safe or that it genuinely solves the underlying problem. The question becomes more precise: “How can I obtain support, rest, or treatment while reducing the harm I already recognise?”

An alternative may not be immediately available. A list of hobbies is not the same as accessible friendship; “just relax” is not treatment for anxiety. When a familiar pattern occupies a large part of life, change may require several kinds of help and time. The lack of a suitable option today is something to investigate, rather than a final verdict.

Separate three questions: how important change is to you; how confident you are that you can make it; and what makes help accessible or inaccessible. They do not all fit neatly into the single word “motivation.”

You can strongly want change and distrust yourself after previous attempts. You can believe change is possible while being unable to afford the programme offered. You can agree that you need help and fear that seeking it might affect your job. “Make up your mind” cannot resolve all these situations.

NIAAA's clinical guidance considers personal reasons for change, barriers, confidence, and continued contact separately. For moderate or severe alcohol use disorder, a brief conversation alone is usually insufficient. That does not make conversation useless; it means that care needs to match the person's condition. NIAAA, brief intervention and a change plan.

In your own notes, you might separate “I want…,” “I am afraid…,” and “I cannot yet access….” For example: “I want mornings without a hangover; I am afraid of evenings without my familiar way of coping; I do not yet know where to obtain a medical assessment.” Writing this does not treat addiction. It helps formulate a request you can discuss with someone able to help.

During intense regret, “never again” may be sincere. But it does not answer questions about the next evening, access to a substance, fear of withdrawal, debts, or support. It indicates a direction without providing the conditions needed to turn it into action.

It can help to separate judging yourself from examining a particular episode. Instead of “I have proved again that I am hopeless,” ask: what decision was I trying to follow, what happened before I departed from it, and what help did I need then? The answer should not automatically become an excuse. Its purpose is to identify where intention alone was insufficient.

Different kinds of uncertainty call for different responses. Sometimes the goal needs clarification. Sometimes another treatment, access to care, or the risks of stopping need discussion. Sometimes it is necessary to acknowledge that a repeatedly unsuccessful plan is not working. Look at changes in behaviour and consequences, rather than only how convincing a promise sounds.

A decision to reduce use also requires attention to its conditions and results. This article does not determine who is suited to that goal. “For now, I am choosing reduction” and “anything I use is now safe” are different claims. When harm or broken agreements recur, the plan needs reconsideration with medical assessment in view.

You do not have to wait for complete confidence before gathering information about help. NIAAA suggests noticing the consequences of drinking and seeking support even when someone is not yet ready to change their alcohol use. This can begin a conversation; it does not establish that observation is sufficient treatment. NIAAA, Ready or Not.

Choose an action with an identifiable result. You might write a question for a doctor and ask about consultation arrangements; ask a trusted person to help find a service; describe recent episodes accurately; or discuss who could accompany you to an initial appointment. “Stop being weak” cannot be meaningfully checked. “Find out what happens at the first consultation” has an observable result.

If you keep notes, a few important details may be enough: what was happening, what you planned, what you did, and what consequences you noticed. Do not turn them into constant surveillance of yourself. If recording increases anxiety or becomes a way to postpone seeking help, reconsider whether it is useful.

A first step may not work out: a service does not answer, the arrangements are unsuitable, or the communication leaves you distrustful. That is information about a particular option. It does not demonstrate that all help is useless. You can look for another entry point while retaining the question you originally wanted to address.

It is difficult for a loved one to hear opposing statements: a request for help in the morning, followed by irritation at the same offer in the evening. Loved ones have limits too. Understanding ambivalence does not require accepting endless breaches of your boundaries.

To discuss treatment, choose a time when the person can participate and the situation is safe. NIAAA recommends calm discussion of specific help, without public pressure or a group cornering the person. These principles do not guarantee agreement. NIAAA, talking with a loved one.

One possible statement is: “I hear that you want to drink less and are afraid you will not cope with the evening without it. I am willing to help find a consultation. At the same time, I cannot leave the child in your care when you are drunk.” This is an illustrative example of support alongside a concrete limit, not a universal family formula.

Do not try to decide from one conversation whether someone is “motivated enough.” Instead, clarify what help they agree to now, and distinguish it from what you need to do for your own safety. When threats or violence are present, protecting people takes precedence over discussing motivation. A child must not be made responsible for organising a safe family life.

Fear of stopping can reflect a genuine medical risk. Abrupt cessation after regular heavy alcohol use may cause dangerous withdrawal; severe forms include seizures and delirium. This calls for medical assessment rather than a test of willpower. ASAM on alcohol withdrawal risks.

With benzodiazepines, abrupt discontinuation or overly rapid dose reduction can also cause dangerous reactions. Discuss changes with a clinician; a personal withdrawal plan cannot be obtained from a motivation exercise. Seizures or difficulty breathing require urgent medical attention. FDA, benzodiazepine warning.

This article does not suggest testing readiness by abruptly stopping a substance or prescribed medicine. Sudden confusion, severe physical illness, loss of consciousness, or an immediate threat to people requires urgent help under local arrangements, rather than waiting for a calm conversation. Check relevant contacts for the country where you are.

Try completing four sentences: “I want to change…”; “If that changes, I am afraid of losing…”; “I need help with…”; and “The next action I agree to take is….” This is an editorial exercise for preparing a conversation, not a diagnostic scale or a standalone treatment protocol.

Then check whether the chosen action is safe and genuinely accessible. When the issue involves withdrawal, medical assessment comes first. If the barrier is money, language, or fear of disclosure, discuss that specific concern. If you are a loved one, your task may be to seek support for yourself even when the other person is not yet choosing any action.

In professional practice, motivational interviewing involves collaboration and exploring the person's own reasons for change. It does not give relatives a way to covertly control another person's decision. You can discuss doubts with a trained practitioner without waiting for them to disappear entirely. SAMHSA, foundations of the approach.

A useful outcome of reading is a clear question and a feasible action, rather than a vow never to hesitate again. “I want change, and I am still afraid” can be an accurate starting point for the work.

1. SAMHSA. Enhancing Motivation for Change, TIP 35, Chapter 3, 2019. A clinical approach to ambivalence and collaboration.
2. NIAAA. Conduct a Brief Intervention. Readiness, confidence, barriers, and sufficient care.
3. NIAAA. Ready or Not. Seeking support while uncertainty remains.
4. NIAAA. Starting the Conversation. Talking about help with a loved one.
5. ASAM. Alcohol Withdrawal, announcement concerning its 2020 guideline. Medical risks of severe withdrawal.
6. FDA. Benzodiazepine Boxed Warning, 2020. Risks of abrupt discontinuation and the need for an individual plan.

Sources about substance use treatment do not establish identical treatment effectiveness for gambling. Betting examples explain mixed feelings without promising a treatment outcome for gambling disorder. This article does not establish local rules or service availability.

Tags: addiction, ambivalence, motivation, beginning change, family support, safety.

Andrey Zarinsh is the author and founder of United Wisdom. He explores inner transformation, the unity of traditions, intercultural dialogue, and contemporary spiritual discipline. Instagram: @andrey.zarinsh.

Maria Evilkut is a co-author of United Wisdom. Alongside her research, she aims to test these ideas in practice and observe how principles of unity and mutual understanding work in real life between people and cultures. Instagram: @ilkutki.

Content review: 13 October 2026. Language: English.